Writing Samples
DJ Khaled is my Mortal Enemy
We The Best? The Hell We Not
Have you ever hated someone so much without ever meeting them or knowing them personally, but deep inside you know that feeling is true?
If you know this sentiment then let me weave you a tale of why I hate this fat motherfucker down to my bones.
And no, his weight isn’t an issue I will harp on. I’m not fat-phobic because I could shed some lbs myself. It’s just that I finished The Diddy Doc on Netflix, and there’s this whole thing about Tupac because of the East Coast–West Coast beef, and they get to the part where the diss to Biggie drops, and that first line in “Hit ’Em Up” comes on, boyyyyyyy:
I ain’t got no motherfuckin’ friends.
That’s why I fucked yo’ bitch, you fat motherfucker.
— Tupac
YOU FEEL THAT!?!
You really want to insult someone? Just find something superficial about them, because that’s always a surefire way to hurt someone’s feelings.
For more tips, subscribe to my weekly newsletter, Rudy’s Tips for Being Bitchy, or Bitch Tips for short.
But aside from making fun of his weight, I have bigger fish, or chicken, to bread and fry in this essay, as per his liking.
I Hate Art Basel: A Short Essay on Bad Taste
You like Art Basel? Well, fuck you.
Yeah, I don’t care. I want all the smoke and beef. Hold the pickles.
But like a herpes outbreak, Art Basel is back, just as itchy and irritating as ever.
And just like herpes, I’m not a fan of it at all. This might be a hot take, but herpes are just not cool.
Could I rant about the consumeristic masturbatory nature of this event? Or about how it is an elite-only party where you are definitely not invited, except to come and work the event?
Well yeah, that is exactly what I am going to do. I pulled the old bait and switcharoo on you. When people think I am going left, I grab the handbrake and pull a hard right. Paul Walker style.
RIP.
My rant starts like this. What the fuck is the point of Art Basel, really? Just ask yourself that one question.
And do not give yourself the naive response that it is about art appreciation. Because it is not.
Do not be an idiot.
Because the truth is simple: Art Basel is not about art. It is about money.
So what is the answer? Give it to me.
“What is a cash grab?”
Yes, that is exactly it. And that is a daily double, so you get double star stickers.
Art Basel is a fucking cash grab. So if you frame every event, pop-up gallery, and collaboration with that in mind, then this stupid shit loses its luster.
We are at the point of society called Late Stage Capitalism.
It’s a term used to describe the current phase of capitalism, characterized by intensifying socio-economic and cultural crises, globalization, and commodification of everything.
When art becomes a product, the only thing that matters is profit. And when profit is the only thing that matters, then what are you left with? Bullshit, soulless pieces of literal shit that mean absolutely nothing to nobody.
Exhibit A: this piece of shit from a couple years ago that debuted at Art Basel, which was sold for 6.2 million dollars.